Getting Over That Someone

Image source: http://saxogirl.blogspot.co.uk/2009_05_01_archive.html
Image source: http://saxogirl.blogspot.co.uk/2009_05_01_archive.html

If you have never found it difficult to let go of someone, then you have never loved someone.

If we run down the list of most painful experiences in life, you are sure to find toothaches and by popular female demand, child birth. There will be one experience that is likely to go unnoticed and to some people it might be debatable but those who have loved or have come even remotely close to loving another person will agree that getting over someone isn’t just one of the most painful experiences in life, but is also in the top tier for one of the most difficult experiences in life.

I am going to begin by saying that there is no single pathway to getting over someone. It is a process but everyone’s process is different and that shouldn’t be hard to understand because we all know that love is different for everyone. So what might work for one person might not directly be applied to another. However, there are some basic principles that people should apply to themselves while in the process of getting over someone.

Allow me to place this into context.

Love or a similar attachment is a sacrifice of part of who you are. It’s usually a sacrifice for the better so don’t interpret sacrifice as a negative thing. I believe part of love involves the entwinement of both spirits so that it can form one. In light of this example of love, we can understand why trying to separate from someone isn’t easy.

Think of it as two headphones that have been stuck in your pocket for a while. Once those headphones have made sweet love, no one can claim to have pulled them apart with ease. This brings me to one basic principle while going through this process:

Accepting that getting over the person is not going to be easy

It sounds easy enough to remember but depending on the circumstances that brought you to this process in the first place; this principle can be easily forgotten… until it hits you. And it WILL hit you hard!

I keep mentioning that getting over someone is a process but what needs to be understood is just because there is a process in place doesn’t mean things will process themselves. University has a process in place to ensure students come out with the best grades possible but, how many students do? My point is:

The process of getting over someone needs to be initiated and more importantly, seen through.

I don’t want it to sound like I’m just throwing one-liners at you so let me elaborate on that for you in conjunction with another principle

Ensure that you did everything you could possibly do to keep the relationship alive.
If you ensure that, then you can ensure you’ll have no regrets thereafter.

One of the most common reasons why people end up getting back into a past relationship instead of getting over it isn’t because they love the person so much or vice versa but instead, it’s because they believe things can be different. Now the only way you’ll believe that things could be different is if you never explored the option in the first place. Things may appear differently in your mind because you know you could have done more or believe that the other person could have done more. It is important for you to explore these options while you are still in the relationship because no matter what

Hope will always present itself when you begin to walk away but it can bear an intent as insidious as doubt because hope always doubts you’ll walk away

If you explore “hope” while still in the relationship and things still have an undesirable end, then when “hope” visits you on the path to recovery, you won’t even take a second look back because you have already explored that possibility. This is what they call having no regrets. Having no regrets about a past relationship strengthens your resolve to initiate the getting over him/her process and more importantly, see it through

Closure

Most people believe that closure is found in searching for the reasons as to why things ended the way they did. The truth is, closure is found in getting to know yourself again. Earlier I mention that love is a sacrifice. We sacrifice a part of ourselves so that we can merge with another. Once you separate from someone, undoubtedly there is something missing. This is the feeling which most people attempt to fill with rebounds or more commonly, their past relation.

If you have just come out of a relationship then there is a lot to learn about yourself. When people learn more, they change. They tend to change for the better because learning is a fundamental factor in growth. Allow me to place this into context. If you go to class to learn, you might jot down a few things but a lot of the information from class if still floating in your mind. It’s not necessarily a part of you yet until you continuously revise your stuff and apply it to yourself. Relationships are like classrooms. Falling single is independent study.

So tell me…

…where does the real learning take place?

The classroom or during independent study…

One you have applied all you have learnt in a relationship you’ll be presented with the new you. The grown you. The more educated you. It’s this new knowledge about yourself that replaces the feeling of what’s missing. Not someone else. You replace you. Sometimes this can be done via dating new people. Check my article “The Levels of Dating” for more information on that (https://rarethoughts.wordpress.com/2013/02/05/the-levels-of-dating/).

So please understand that:

Searching for closure can leave a chapter wide open leaving you vulnerable to regression. So use some initiative, dig up some strength and close the damn chapter yourself.

It’s just too early to be friends

I believe that once you break up with someone, you should break the friendship up too… for a while.

Feelings don’t adjust over night and if anything, feelings tend to resurface after a break up with a need to be dispensed upon something or someone. The easiest option is what you’re used to… the ex. The ex or “ex-effect” is a silent inhibitor which prevents you from forming new relations. So I believe by making an ex a stranger, it helps you fill that void by undergoing the “getting to know yourself” process before the ex can dictate your emotions while you’re still vulnerable.

So just to recap:

  • Accept that getting over the person is not going to be easy
  • The process of getting over someone needs to be initiated and more importantly, seen through.
  • Ensure that you did everything you possibly could to keep the relationship alive.

If you ensure that, then you can ensure you’ll have no regrets thereafter.

  • Understand that hope will always present itself when you begin to walk away but it can bear an intent as insidious as doubt because hope always doubts you’ll walk away
  • Closure is found in getting to know yourself again
  • You’re too vulnerable right now and because of that, it’s too early to be friends with an ex

There is so much more I would like to go into but I don’t want this to end up being an essay so I hope you can absorb what I have shared with you for now as I have decided there will be a Part 2 for this article.

If you like reading my blog: rare-thoughts.com then vote for me #CosmoBlogAwards for Best Sex & Relationship http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/blogs/cosmopolitan-blog-awards-2014/enter

8 thoughts on “Getting Over That Someone”

  1. Well said.. One of the worse journeys especially if you genuinely love the person. The easiest way to get over is to know with no doubt that you did your upmost best, leaving no room for self blame or ‘what ifs’. Random question, is it possible to stop loving someone your in love with?

    1. Thank you. I’m glad you understand. In reference to your question, I will reply by saying think back to when you fell in love with the person. That process too time and you didn’t necessarily choose the point when you fell in love with them. But providing your efforts with them were consistent, you eventually fell in love with the person. There’s something called falling out of love with someone and I believe the process is literally the reverse. You can’t choose when it’ll happen but providing that’s what you want while understanding it’s what you need then it will eventually happen.

  2. It is supposid belief that “the break up” is indeed one of the most painful things for the brain to comprehend as there is no logic to its pain, there is no threshold to measure not clear explanation of the amount you should be feeling or the time in which it takes to recover, there are no broken bones and no swollen limbs, the only thing we need to heal, accept and move forward is logic.

    Our minds are a wonderous mechanism in which even we, humans who have it as part of their bodywork can not manage to unlock beyond a pathetic 5%. To be able to move past a problem is to be able to reason with it and solve, you cannot solve a problem that involves 2 parts where part 1 is not giving you an insight so expectantly you are stuck, reaped on a state of mind that leaves you questioning as your performance within the said relationship and where it failed (wrong thing to do). All you need is to logically establish in your minds eye that this is life, all people are not you and do not see as you do and there is nothing you can or should do in regards to that fact and that alone will make the “getting over” part easier….. not easy.

    When you have invested a certain period of time into something or someone it is hard to understand and justify that after all the effort you are not receiving something back, everything has interest that builds aside from emotional investments.

    As for getting back with an x……

    This caused for none other than and Albert Einstein quote:

    “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

    It is you trying to re create “the good times” that you once shared with that person and people change with time and time changes people as the good times are the only thing remembered once time has healed all wounds.

    1. It’s nice to have someone reading my posts who provides me with further insight on what I love doing (writing, living, observing, learning and applying, as oppose to this post lol) it just goes to show that wisdom comes in many forms. Even if ones true form was a spiritual slug of some sort lol thank you for your insight

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