The Strong & The Weak: Foundations of Relationships

We live in a world of “ideals”. Some women ideally want a man with a well paid job but doesn’t work too much, has street cred’ but isn’t a thug, and is capable of providing her with undivided attention without smothering her…hmm. On the other had, some men ideally want a woman who makes her own money but just not more than what he makes, a lady that cooks, cleans and can attend to the kids while still managing to look like a victoria secrets model, and a woman who is a freak in the bedroom but virtually still a virgin.
Yes. Our ideals are conflicting so there isn’t much of a surprise why there is so much conflicting expectations in relationships today.

Settling down with someone whom you might have a few things in common with such as being tattoo enthusiasts or you’ve both managed to dedicate your time in rounding up 21k+ followers on instagram isn’t enough to sustain a long, healthy and strong relationship.

The big difference between an having an “Idea” of what you want and an having an “Ideal” expectation is that an “ideal” is a standard that only accommodates perfection. So when someone speaks of having an ideal relationship, they could literally paint out a picture of this relationship, and the key part here is that the relationship they are looking for HAS to look exactly like the picture in their mind. An “Idea” on the other hand is a concept. A vague thought or better yet an understanding. When a person has an idea of what they want in a relationship, they are somewhat open to new experiences or a new way of thinking so long as it runs parallel with the values they stand by.

I mentioned above that unlike an “ideal”, an “idea” is an understanding which derives from what someone NEEDS in/from a relationship as oppose to an “ideal” which is usually based on what someone WANTS in/from a relationship.

So the reason it’s more beneficial to have an idea of what want or in other words, an idea of what you believe a relationship should consist of is because it inspires you to focus on what you need in/from a relationship rather than what you want. Ultimately, what you need eventually becomes what you want whereas what you want isn’t always going to become what you need.

 The type of love you seek can also be determined by the type of love you have previously received.

In the unfortunate event that the love one seeks cannot be found, people then turn to substitutes. I have found that women tend to place an expiry date on themselves for procreative reasons and because of this; they’re likely to settle before a certain age because they have not found the love they were looking for. Another example of substituting can be family pressure. Individuals are less likely to part with a person because they have become acquainted the family but this shouldn’t be used as a reason to stay with someone if they are not what you need in love.

So how does all relate to the foundations of relationships?

Once you understand what you need in a relationship, you begin to think of how to get it. And a fundamental aspect of getting what need is becoming what you need. So in short, the key to attaining what you need in/from a relationship is by understanding yourself.

The strength of a foundation is determined by what is built upon it. Having things in common are the foundations for friendships but having values in common are the foundations for relationships. Friendship itself can act as a foundation but if you attempt to build a relationship upon having things in common (you know, too much too soon), you might find that the relationship collapses pretty fast. The pain you feel after such a break up doesn’t stem from love but rather your poor skills as an architect for relationships.

Love is only dying because people fail to fill themselves with love, and instead look for substitutes in the wrong places and people. The more values you have in common increases the chances of a sustaining a strong relationships. Values stand as two people who choose to take the same path at crossroads during their relationship. They are the decision to deal with conflicts that occur in a similar manner. If respect is important to a couple, then even in the most heated moments of their journey together, they’ll still hold each other in high respect and communicate respectfully. On the other hand, we all know what happens when you call your lady a “b***h” out of anger…

With this in mind, get to know your interest with haste but progress with patience. Values aren’t something someone can simply tell you they have. It’s something you need to see them living out with consistency.

10 thoughts on “The Strong & The Weak: Foundations of Relationships”

  1. An interesting and persuasive read Mr Rare! I agree that ‘just’ having common interests with a partner isn’t quite enough to sustain a long, healthy and strong relationship. However, having greater common interests are important as they create a window to explore each other in a wider context, or at least certainly to begin with. But as you rightfully conveyed in the concept ‘Relationships are built on Relationships, it IS much more than that. A strong and healthy relationship will overcome challenges when two people share the same morals, values and principles, they are the necessary foundations needed for a lasting relationship. Morals, values and principles are ingrained in us whereas interests can shift and change over time. Which I guess supports the idea that ‘Common Interests’ aren’t enough. Not focusing on that too much, I want to comment on ‘Ideal’ = Wants and ‘Idea’ = Needs.

    I think the experience of ‘wanting’ can be very powerful. It brings a lot of emotion to the forefront, regardless of whether they are negative or positive emotions. The things we ‘want’ can create a lot of excitement for us and cause us to react in many different ways, therefore it can be, or at least feel fulfilling to the individual. That ‘want’ then becomes a need or as you suggested ‘deprivation’. So you’re absolutely right when you said that the ‘key to attaining what you need in/from a relationship is by understanding yourself’ – since having this level of self-awareness means we can at least then begin to recognise unhealthy patterns, and hopefully have the strength to make changes.
    However as humans, we have unfortunately unlearnt so much of what is natural to us, and have instead replaced it with all things external, even our thinking.

  2. This makes so much sense to me and I am definitely starting to look at things in this perspective.

    Thanks.

  3. Thank you for the post that has been beautifully expressed and written. This is powerful. Sometimes we can really get involved with people to the point we end up giving excuses for others behaviours even if it goes against your values, which then leads to forget our true morals and values. Thank you for encouraging us with this post. It surely reminded me not to forget what I value the most

  4. Thank you for this post. I’ve never seen myself as a person wanting an ideal relationship and always thought of myself as open to new ideas however some of the characteristics of an individual wanting an ideal relationship I see I myself. A refreshing read and at this point in my life where I’m truly working on myself it’s lovely to read such from a male perspective as reference

  5. I like this Charles. Thanks for sharing.

    In my last relationship, I didn’t know who I was. Well, I did… But I wasn’t being that person. That’s probably why the relationship ended. That and I didn’t feel she supported what I was, and am, passionate about.

    Anyway, that’s why I think knowing your values is so important. When I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know what I wanted. And why would I know? How could I know?

    I know now that I’d choose a very different person to be in a relationship with. I love learning.

    Thanks again, my man. I look forward to discussing this more on Tuesday.

    P.s. I’d love to know WHY these are your opinions. I like to think there’s an interesting story behind them.

  6. I enjoyed this. Thanks for writing and sharing it, Charles.

    I think the point about “understanding yourself” is so important.

    I broke up with my ex (twice. Please stop applauding.) because she wasn’t giving me what I needed.

    But… I didn’t know who I was. Well, I did. But I wasn’t being that person. So how could I have ever expected to be happy in a relationship?

    Support is important to me. Maybe the most important thing in a relationship. And she wasn’t giving me that. She was giving me lots of something else though so I stayed.

    Back then I just knew “something” was wrong. But now I know it’s because she wasn’t supporting what I was passionate about. Every time I felt her lack of support I became more distant.

    I know I’d choose someone very different now, which is why I’m grateful for my ex and why I’m grateful I broke up with her. I don’t think anything bad has ever come from me letting go… Especially of people who aren’t for me.

    Thanks again, Charles. Thought provoking. I look forward to talking about it on Tuesday!

    P.s. I’d love to know WHY these are your opinions. The story behind them. And I’d love to hear about it on Tuesday.

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