We live in a world of “ideals”. Some women ideally want a man with a well paid job but doesn’t work too much, has street cred’ but isn’t a thug, and is capable of providing her with undivided attention without smothering her…hmm. On the other had, some men ideally want a woman who makes her own money but just not more than what he makes, a lady that cooks, cleans and can attend to the kids while still managing to look like a victoria secrets model, and a woman who is a freak in the bedroom but virtually still a virgin.
Yes. Our ideals are conflicting so there isn’t much of a surprise why there is so much conflicting expectations in relationships today.
Settling down with someone whom you might have a few things in common with such as being tattoo enthusiasts or you’ve both managed to dedicate your time in rounding up 21k+ followers on instagram isn’t enough to sustain a long, healthy and strong relationship.
The big difference between an having an “Idea” of what you want and an having an “Ideal” expectation is that an “ideal” is a standard that only accommodates perfection. So when someone speaks of having an ideal relationship, they could literally paint out a picture of this relationship, and the key part here is that the relationship they are looking for HAS to look exactly like the picture in their mind. An “Idea” on the other hand is a concept. A vague thought or better yet an understanding. When a person has an idea of what they want in a relationship, they are somewhat open to new experiences or a new way of thinking so long as it runs parallel with the values they stand by.
I mentioned above that unlike an “ideal”, an “idea” is an understanding which derives from what someone NEEDS in/from a relationship as oppose to an “ideal” which is usually based on what someone WANTS in/from a relationship.
So the reason it’s more beneficial to have an idea of what want or in other words, an idea of what you believe a relationship should consist of is because it inspires you to focus on what you need in/from a relationship rather than what you want. Ultimately, what you need eventually becomes what you want whereas what you want isn’t always going to become what you need.
The type of love you seek can also be determined by the type of love you have previously received.
In the unfortunate event that the love one seeks cannot be found, people then turn to substitutes. I have found that women tend to place an expiry date on themselves for procreative reasons and because of this; they’re likely to settle before a certain age because they have not found the love they were looking for. Another example of substituting can be family pressure. Individuals are less likely to part with a person because they have become acquainted the family but this shouldn’t be used as a reason to stay with someone if they are not what you need in love.
So how does all relate to the foundations of relationships?
Once you understand what you need in a relationship, you begin to think of how to get it. And a fundamental aspect of getting what need is becoming what you need. So in short, the key to attaining what you need in/from a relationship is by understanding yourself.
The strength of a foundation is determined by what is built upon it. Having things in common are the foundations for friendships but having values in common are the foundations for relationships. Friendship itself can act as a foundation but if you attempt to build a relationship upon having things in common (you know, too much too soon), you might find that the relationship collapses pretty fast. The pain you feel after such a break up doesn’t stem from love but rather your poor skills as an architect for relationships.
Love is only dying because people fail to fill themselves with love, and instead look for substitutes in the wrong places and people. The more values you have in common increases the chances of a sustaining a strong relationships. Values stand as two people who choose to take the same path at crossroads during their relationship. They are the decision to deal with conflicts that occur in a similar manner. If respect is important to a couple, then even in the most heated moments of their journey together, they’ll still hold each other in high respect and communicate respectfully. On the other hand, we all know what happens when you call your lady a “b***h” out of anger…
With this in mind, get to know your interest with haste but progress with patience. Values aren’t something someone can simply tell you they have. It’s something you need to see them living out with consistency.