Category Archives: On Intimacy

Her Beauty Not Her Looks

From the transitory stages of physical appearance to abstract modern art, beauty has become one of the most versatile nouns bestowed upon the human tongue. All become acquiescent in it’s presence, and that in itself is why the word takes precedence over all the dictionary has to offer.

It’s as though beauty exists an entity that illuminates the life force that resides in all things. But what happens when the beauty that exist within does not appear on the surface? Is it right brand someone ‘without beauty’ simply because we fail to see it?

My perception on beauty has evolved over the years on purpose. And through my journey on developing a deeper and more meaningful connection with beauty, I’ve learned that beauty is a rarity that is only witnessed by those who endeavour to find it. The learned ‘beauty’ associated with TV ads that plague most social media platforms is a social construct, hence why it has to be constructed in a sense, but our innate sense of beauty merely involves understanding (ourselves) and building meaningful attachments.

Upon reaching this realisation I decided to share my expression of beauty through my partner. The following series titled, #HerBeautyNotHerLooks is spread across 20 images that I captured of her – each one specifying 1 thing I find beautiful about her without referring to her physical appearance. This was not a matter of listing words but instead forming a deeper connection with what I appreciate about her and what resonates within myself. There’s a caption that follows each picture:

Day 1

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A little personal campaign I’m doing for the next 20 days just because I want to.

 

Day 2

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We all experience undesirable emotions that can often mould our personalities in undesirable ways. Honestly, letting go isn’t as straightforward as it sounds but once you acquire this power, every struggle will see an end.

 

Day 3

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She was about to give me a mouthful without realising that she’s actually feeding my soul.

 

Day 4

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Reflection is imperative. In doing so you can identify your growth. That allows you to trace your growth back to it’s roots. You see the lady in the image, I constantly find her at the root of many areas of my life. That alone is more than beauty.

 

Day 5

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This time last year. This time next year. And her capacity to love has only strengthened, no, it has only become more visible. It has always been there. Such a force exists in us all.

 

Day 6

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They say that if you can’t accept someone at their worst, you don’t deserve them at their best. Relationships are one of the best places to exercise that theory.
If all emotion makes us who we are, it would be unfair to favour one over the others. Therefore, no matter what the emotion, all I see beauty…

 

Day 7

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Day 7 already!? I find solace in silence.

 

Day 8

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Day 8 and this journey of reflection only grows more beautiful. Your strength and resilience can only be measured in times of struggle. To watch someone manoeuvre so diligently through the challenges life orchestrates, can only be described as a spectacle! This viewing never finished on a low.

 

Day 9

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If you can’t accept what they’ve been through, you can never appreciate who they are.
Love runs deep. And what you see before you is only the front cover of the rest of your life.
Will you find yourself disengaging as the story thickens, or will your journey into their past help form a more deeper attachment? My experience of course is the latter.

 

Day 10

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I could do this for well over 20 days but you see, beauty is far from one measurement based on one’s appearance. A few years back I began to question whether who I was calling beautiful was actually…beautiful. I was basically conditioning myself to see more in beauty than appearance. It was a worthwhile endeavour because the things most beautiful about my mother isn’t simply the way she looks. That’s the same mindset the allows me to see the hidden beauty in my partner.

 

Day 11

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I mean…you know that myth – the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, right? That is no Myth at all! The cooking is a metaphor and a literally statement (is there a name when it’s both?) Her cooking delicious but what she feeds my soul is divine!

 

Day 12

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We all know relationships aren’t all hearts and smiles but seldom do people want to talk and share these facets of their relationships. Perhaps they suffer from a fear of being judged so they choose to be judged on what they deem acceptable, such as photos of happy times, anniversary poses and gifts from their significant other…
So of course, it’s impossible to see beauty in what we do not familiarise oursleves with. This has either been you, will be you or maybe this is you right now. It’s okay. The strength to express is an art many of us are yet to master. Vulnerability remains a blank canvas. Your art set untouched.
Not us. We use tears and anger to paint a path of progress, with each stroke strengthing our right to love.

 

Day 13

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Just a week left and today we’re celebrating. This goes out to her sense of achievement. What’s great about her success in today’s exam is that I’ve had backdoor access. I’ve observed the struggle, strength and strategy that led to this moment. While others might acknowledge the success as an isolated outcome, I observed the way in which she manoeuvred her way into this position. And that in itself is beauty. Well deserved babe.

 

Day 14

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We already know nothing is this world is perfect. Especially us! We live life knowing it could be the last day and yet we still manage to carry on living. TRUMP WON THE ELECTION! But guess what? We will carry on living. We’ll carry on growing and if necessary, we will heal. And it’s that last part that is crucial in each of us. Healing is a special type of growth whereby the same area is reinforced – made to be stronger. When you truly heal, you’ll become immune to what broke you in the first place. Stronger forces deem you worthy. And by that I mean, more strength awaits you.
She is so beautiful when I hear stories of how she healed.

 

Day 15

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My skin and hair haven’t every been in a better state. We often look upon natural beauty with envious eyes believing that how are some people more blessed than others in said department. But I’ve observed what happens behind closed doors. Adopting her lifestyle was a choice I won’t regret hence why the beauty I see is really in the what she’s shown me.

 

Day 16

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I think one of the most underrated qualities in a relationship is presence. Think of everything else you’d consider fundamental in a relationship and then try to see if it could exist healthily without presence …exactly.

 

Day 17

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There’s something deeply intimate about watching someone without them knowing. And then some captures a picture of the moment. That’s a look that reminds me that love is always present.

 

Day 18

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You can’t see it, but this girl has a quality I think most girlfriends possess – the ability to become annoying at any given moment. But I can’t lie, it’s the cute type – still annoying, but what’s more annoying is that you can’t knock them for it. They’re like cats, and we have to feed their desire of attention otherwise we become the bad guys 😂  all she wanted was a hug…or to grab my… WHO KNOWS 😄

 

Day 19

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I think the picture speaks for itself. My love helping my love get ready for her graduation.

 

Day 20

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When all your hard work for @subjectivityuk‘s 3rd Year Anniversary is going better than expected and she’s the support nobody sees… 😉

If you would like to view the journey on istagram, it’s #HerBeautyNotHerLooks.

Everyone has a beauty worth searching for. It’s not longer enough to simply say everyone is beautiful in a bid to impress yours upon others. If you can’t find the beauty in someone else, then it is you who’s relationship without beauty is failing.

 

His & Hers: The Orgasm Rant

  • Today’s attitude toward gender equality in contrast to the 19th & 20th century shows promise for what’s to come.
  • Many men still believe in gender allocations, and there are women that believe it’s a man’s job to make her orgasm.
  • He embraced her waist from the rear and positioned her in close proximity to his libidinous intentions.
  • An orgasm isn’t just a physical experience. And at times, we have to be in the condition to receive it.

Last week The Huffington post published this article: Anna Kendrick Had The Best Orgasm Response To A Guy Giving Her An Orgasm.

The entire article can be summarised with the 3rd paragraph of the article that reads:

After a few months with a boyfriend, the “Pitch Perfect” actress writes that she still hadn’t had an orgasm with him. Her response when he finally got her there? A big high-five.

To which I commented:

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While it would be an enlightening endeavour to explore the intricacies of orgasms (another post perhaps), I’d much rather place volume on the reverberating whisper anchoring the rise of true gender equality.

Let’s reinforce the above point with some real life contextual scenarios.

A couple decide to move in together. They are both happy at the fact that their relationship is evolving to higher commitment value despite the risks involved. On their first day at work since the move, the girlfriend comes home to her boyfriend’s welcoming embrace and expressive desire for her to cook dinner, while playfully implying that it’s her role in their relationship.

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Susan just announced to her boyfriend Ade that they’re going to be parents. Ade, who was advised by doctors 5 years ago that due to a medical condition, his chances of impregnating a woman was less than 10%. Overwhelmed with the news the couple make early plans that are of interest to their newly beloved. Susan states that she’ll be taking maternity leave and expects Ade to take on extra hours at work. He expresses his desire to take maternity as well, to which Susan laughs, “but you’re the provider”

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It’s clear that although there is still a way to go, today’s attitude toward gender equality in contrast to the 19th & 20th century shows promise for what’s to come. But that’s not what frightens the foundation of equality; that would be the outdated patriarchal values that are inherited by the upcoming generation.

Blindboy from The Rubberbandits aired a refreshing statement to reflect the state of young men in the western hemisphere:

What these young men need is feminism!

I have worked and spoken to many men on this topic, and I can agree that while many of them direct their efforts to uphold inherited values that view women as inferior, such values only give rise to their own demise. The reason? The environment no longer correlates with their values.

The past environment saw women as ‘naturally’ weaker than men, and considered them unable to perform work requiring muscular or intellectual develop. The acceptance of this mentality saw women delegated to domestic chores while men maintained the ‘Provider’ status. But that is no longer the case in modern society. In the land of opportunity, it’s everyones job to do anything they want.

Albeit the case, many men still believe in gender allocations. And there are women that believe it’s a man’s job to make her orgasm.

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No one man or woman should be accountable for another person’s satisfaction – that goes for both inside and outside the bedroom. If you’re going to be an individual that supports equality then you’re going to have to learn to support your own orgasm in the same way you support your own happiness. Sounds harsh, right? Like I’m banishing women into the shadow realm of self made orgasms.

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But that’s far from the case. In The Huffington Post article, the writer wrote:

…Kendrick was right to give props; communication is key to good sex.

I must be getting old if a high five constitutes good communication in a sexual relationship. It was no surprise that her partner didn’t take the ‘compliment’ well.

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Communication in the bedroom is important. Besides the ‘dirty’ talk some of you might be thinking about, I’m referring to your ability to get to one your partner’s sexual personality which usually differs from their social personality.

Without getting into details, a good example would be to…scene:

He embraced her waist from the rear and positioned her in close proximity to his libidinous intentions. Her gaze locked while she slowly circled her rear to ensure that her intention matched the intensity he was displaying. She pressed herself firmly against him and laid the soft side of her face on his chest, and in the same motion she took hold of his left hand, prompting it to grope her exposed breast. She followed up with the words, “does this excite you?”

Now in my version of events, she’s not asking because she thinks she’s God’s gift to men. She’s asking to confirm whether he is actually enjoying it. Men who wear jeans or tailored trousers with a belt will tell you that as mentally stimulating as it may sound, it can also be pretty uncomfortable! The practice of testing the waters and communicating during these encounters can make a massive impact on the relationship. If I had the time, I would elaborate on how a women’s silence during sex can also be an emotional discomfort that is easily recognised with better communication on the man’s part (another article).

An orgasm isn’t just a physical experience. And at times, we have to be in a healthy condition to receive it – emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually if that’s your thing. While our partner’s can play a big role in ensuring the experience is a pleasurable and fulfilling one, we should always remember that we will always play the starring role when it comes to our own satisfaction!

All socials: @Rare_ Thoughts – Follow me if you like what you’ve read

A Kiss Laced With Purpose

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On purpose and with purpose, not each to his own.
A man knows why he places his lips upon a woman’s own.
And although his intentions may be unknown to her,
A kiss is evidence that his intentions are far from a blur.

Charles Rare
Therapist & Writer
Instagram & Twitter: Rare_Thoughts
Email: charles.rarethoughts@gmail.com

Whisper Love Away

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First we’ll become friends. I’ll end up caring for you first because your past has misled you into loving with your mind and not your heart. In light of this, you’ll hide behind tall walls built to protect what remains of a fragile love, but your heart will become curious and ask your mind why it feels so at ease around me.

Your mind is led by logic, so it will give the heart a logical answer. It’ll separate what the heart feels from what it thinks, and side the team that loves with its eyes wide open. It’ll sacrifice an open heart for opened eyes, and I’ll remain a friend because your mind chose protection over affection.

Your decision was made.

I’ll become one of many guys that loved you temporarily and then found a more permanent love outside of what we could have had, while your heart remains permanently closed, blind to the love that continues to visit you temporarily.

So before I care for you, before this journey begins only to end, I ask that you care enough for yourself first. So that when loves shows it face again, and I’m no longer around to capture the love you whisper away, your heart will be remain open and resonant to what the eyes cannot see.

5 Reasons Why I Gave Up Sex For Lent

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I think it would be more correct to say, ‘5 reasons why WE gave up sex for lent’, seeing as this insane choice of abstinence was not a lone decision, but instead one of the most sane joint decisions my lady and I have made to date.

It all began before lent. Obviously. While the weather was still deciding whether it would give up rain or sun for lent, I too was contemplating what to give up. You see, I didn’t just want to give up something I knew I could easily avoid and then claim gratitude for going 40 days without it, no. I wanted to give something I would find it hard to go without, but with the end result being a lesson learnt through discipline. This rendered things such as, particular type of foods (which is usually the obvious option) and simply not going out as insignificant. I needed something more specific. Something more challenging. If you haven’t already guessed, I am in a committed relationship with an amazing lady, so I thought that since an important aspect of our relationship is to help better each other, why don’t we give up something together!? Genius! Yet, the ‘what’ was still unchecked. Continue reading 5 Reasons Why I Gave Up Sex For Lent

Taking Away More Than You Give

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A small extract taken from a precious article titled: “Sex is Overrated but Only in the Wrong Context” Full article.

Some people believe that the beauty of sex lies in its spontaneity, but if the same principle was applied throughout our lives there would be no such thing as forward thinking. By eliminating your ability to think ahead, you become subject to overrated sex; and this is because although the act of sex itself is satisfying, the aftermath has so much more of an impact because it takes all the focus off “how good” the sex was and instead you’re often left thinking… Continue reading Taking Away More Than You Give

Sex Is Overrated… But Only In The Wrong Context

What’s the use in protecting or reserving something that no longer holds value? Sex is at the forefront of our world in a variety of forms, and with each form being readily accessible to many, it’s no surprise the value of sex has dropped… tremendously. Let’s begin with getting the good side to sex out of our systems. Continue reading Sex Is Overrated… But Only In The Wrong Context