Tag Archives: emotions

Happiness Makes Time For Those Who Make Time For Themselves.

What we see on the outside often mirrors what we believe is dwelling inside. We understand a smile represents a happy person but seldom do we consider that the reserve might be true. An outward expression can also communicate what is missing within.
The soul cries out for attention while the ego fears vulnerability will be treated with further alienation. But at what cost is it worth appearing alive on the outside, albeit dying within?

A person that is happy with company but unhappy when alone, is not a happy person.

While it might be common to assume that loneliness and being alone fall from the same tree, loneliness is better categorised as one of the potential emotions that can derive from being alone. But that doesn’t necessarily suggest that being alone connotes an emotional imbalance, but rather the opposite.

When we are alone we are in the best position to measure and assess our overall wellbeing. Absent of life’s distractions, we’re forced to tune in to our inner world. There we are faced with our inner thoughts and inner feeling’s reverberatory need to be heard — not by others, but by you. If you’re not used to spending time with yourself, you might experience an unusual degree of dissonance when spending time alone with yourself. This can often lead to the need for external attention, which can momentarily offer solace. However, this should never be mistaken for a solution.

Some of us are in constant pursuit of relationships just to end the loneliness. But it’s our obsession with social media that is becoming the most virulent relationship of all.

Social media is the new escapism outlet.
People aren’t always sharing their problems to be understood. They are often sharing their problems to be heard. They believe that attention is a cure.

But these people are no stranger to the knowledge that numbing the pain doesn’t get rid of the problem. It only makes it more palpable.

Being alone is self-productive. 

Being able to exercise our vulnerability can help us avoid depressive states brought on by an accumulation of our worries.  But before we share our problems, we should equipped them with a self-purpose; to be understood and to obtain a better understanding of how we can overcome the feeling that follows us wherever we go.

It helps to review the last couple of weeks on a frequent basis:

  • What have I achieved during this time?
  • What have I found difficult in the past week?
  • How can I improve on this in the upcoming weeks?
  • Why was I feeling angry last Thursday?

We are but a growing story deep inside an even bigger novel, and the last thing you want to happen is to be left behind in your own story.

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This should serve as a reminder that true happiness comes from within and not in the form of short lived feelings that dissipate once the experience is over. Be the type of person that doesn’t seek happiness but instead acquires the ability to become happiness at will.

A must read if you have more pressing concerns around depression:  HAPPINESS: DEFENDING AGAINST THE ONSET OF DEPRESSION

What’s Missing Is You

Journey down the stairwell of your past, take a left at ‘My Ideal Partner’ and then keep to the right until you reach the crossroads between your values and insecurities. If you make a daunting right and head straight on ‘Things I Refuse To Deal With Lane’, you’ll eventually arrive at your most visited destination, Egoville. If you can muster enough resolved to venture beyond that, then you’ll rediscover the forgotten but indispensable manuscript titled ‘My Ideal Self’.

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A frequent visit from the same feelings should be recognized as an internal tip off, albeit the sensation is often interpreted as ‘something missing’. This subtle misconception sparks our quest for completion via materialistic and romantic gain. The premise for false perception has been set, because beneath our experience-derived behaviours, we are not searching for completion. We are searching for fulfilment.

Psychoanalyse Adam Phillips writes:

“All love stories are frustration stories… To fall in love is to be reminded of a frustration that you didn’t know you had.”

Growth equally distributes the paradoxical outcome of having learnt more about oneself while exposing us to the undiscovered treasures of our personality. We are plagued by a pathological imbalance whereby we have become too familiar with acquiring knowledge from a surface position that understands only love and hate, but doesn’t dare to question the intricacies of interest and discomfort. Everything we currently know about ourselves is no different to our field of vision — we can only see what we are focused on. And it is this cynical driven focus that drives out the necessary duality that gives birth to beyond biological growth.

If the feeling that surrounds the constants of “something is missing” is attributed to an external notion, then I pose this question to you: Are you not enough?

Phillip writes:

“We fall in love not just with a person wholly external to us but with a fantasy of how that person can fill what is missing from our interior lives.”

What we crave more than physical and aesthetical satisfaction is internal fulfilment — the nuances of “I want something deeper…something more meaningful”.
We address our romantic encounters with a fantasy like template, measuring their capacity to do what the last experience failed in. But often do we become lost in the fantasy that results in failure that can no longer be attributed to anyone but ourselves.

Some people pursue relationships to end being alone. But it is almost impossible to understand self if you do not possess the patience to spend time with yourself. So while their definition of happiness is momentarily in the hands of other person, I would argue that perhaps they’re trying to escape themselves, when they’re the missing piece their life longs for.

 

 

The Strong & The Weak: Foundations of Relationships

We live in a world of “ideals”. Some women ideally want a man with a well paid job but doesn’t work too much, has street cred’ but isn’t a thug, and is capable of providing her with undivided attention without smothering her…hmm. On the other had, some men ideally want a woman who makes her own money but just not more than what he makes, a lady that cooks, cleans and can attend to the kids while still managing to look like a victoria secrets model, and a woman who is a freak in the bedroom but virtually still a virgin.
Yes. Our ideals are conflicting so there isn’t much of a surprise why there is so much conflicting expectations in relationships today.

Settling down with someone whom you might have a few things in common with such as being tattoo enthusiasts or you’ve both managed to dedicate your time in rounding up 21k+ followers on instagram isn’t enough to sustain a long, healthy and strong relationship.

The big difference between an having an “Idea” of what you want and an having an “Ideal” expectation is that an “ideal” is a standard that only accommodates perfection. So when someone speaks of having an ideal relationship, they could literally paint out a picture of this relationship, and the key part here is that the relationship they are looking for HAS to look exactly like the picture in their mind. An “Idea” on the other hand is a concept. A vague thought or better yet an understanding. When a person has an idea of what they want in a relationship, they are somewhat open to new experiences or a new way of thinking so long as it runs parallel with the values they stand by.

I mentioned above that unlike an “ideal”, an “idea” is an understanding which derives from what someone NEEDS in/from a relationship as oppose to an “ideal” which is usually based on what someone WANTS in/from a relationship.

So the reason it’s more beneficial to have an idea of what want or in other words, an idea of what you believe a relationship should consist of is because it inspires you to focus on what you need in/from a relationship rather than what you want. Ultimately, what you need eventually becomes what you want whereas what you want isn’t always going to become what you need.

 The type of love you seek can also be determined by the type of love you have previously received.

In the unfortunate event that the love one seeks cannot be found, people then turn to substitutes. I have found that women tend to place an expiry date on themselves for procreative reasons and because of this; they’re likely to settle before a certain age because they have not found the love they were looking for. Another example of substituting can be family pressure. Individuals are less likely to part with a person because they have become acquainted the family but this shouldn’t be used as a reason to stay with someone if they are not what you need in love.

So how does all relate to the foundations of relationships?

Once you understand what you need in a relationship, you begin to think of how to get it. And a fundamental aspect of getting what need is becoming what you need. So in short, the key to attaining what you need in/from a relationship is by understanding yourself.

The strength of a foundation is determined by what is built upon it. Having things in common are the foundations for friendships but having values in common are the foundations for relationships. Friendship itself can act as a foundation but if you attempt to build a relationship upon having things in common (you know, too much too soon), you might find that the relationship collapses pretty fast. The pain you feel after such a break up doesn’t stem from love but rather your poor skills as an architect for relationships.

Love is only dying because people fail to fill themselves with love, and instead look for substitutes in the wrong places and people. The more values you have in common increases the chances of a sustaining a strong relationships. Values stand as two people who choose to take the same path at crossroads during their relationship. They are the decision to deal with conflicts that occur in a similar manner. If respect is important to a couple, then even in the most heated moments of their journey together, they’ll still hold each other in high respect and communicate respectfully. On the other hand, we all know what happens when you call your lady a “b***h” out of anger…

With this in mind, get to know your interest with haste but progress with patience. Values aren’t something someone can simply tell you they have. It’s something you need to see them living out with consistency.

Clarity With Compliments

If we view the journey of relationships and friendships as progressive pathways, then we probably already acknowledge that most things tend to always start small. If something so simple leads to something significant then in hindsight, it’s the simple things that are important when applying them to a progressive pathway or journey.

I like to place importance on the simple things in life. I find that people often overlook the small things in relationships from the stage where you may have just met someone to a full blown commitment. We are always urged to read the small print, but ask yourself how many times have taken the time to read your terms & conditions? Continue reading Clarity With Compliments

The Levels of Dating

Dating is not a word that people are unfamiliar with. Although, it is a word that people are careful with when associating themselves with it. This tends to be because of the many definitions that surround dating. When it comes to dating in cities where the culture, social groups, values and race are extremely diverse, it should be no surprise that dating harbours just as many definitions as an uncertain man has reasons to avoid commitment. Continue reading The Levels of Dating

Sex Is Overrated… But Only In The Wrong Context

What’s the use in protecting or reserving something that no longer holds value? Sex is at the forefront of our world in a variety of forms, and with each form being readily accessible to many, it’s no surprise the value of sex has dropped… tremendously. Let’s begin with getting the good side to sex out of our systems. Continue reading Sex Is Overrated… But Only In The Wrong Context

Physical Strength vs Emotional Integrity

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A woman’s heart is such a fragile thing. It’s no surprise that when a woman senses it’s a predator (a man of some sort) who may harbour the intention of using the heart as means to explore other areas of her being, she may slow the progression of the romantic venture to enable an assessment of a mans strength prior to pouring out her emotions. His emotional strength that is. Continue reading Physical Strength vs Emotional Integrity