Tag Archives: love

Her Beauty Not Her Looks

From the transitory stages of physical appearance to abstract modern art, beauty has become one of the most versatile nouns bestowed upon the human tongue. All become acquiescent in it’s presence, and that in itself is why the word takes precedence over all the dictionary has to offer.

It’s as though beauty exists an entity that illuminates the life force that resides in all things. But what happens when the beauty that exist within does not appear on the surface? Is it right brand someone ‘without beauty’ simply because we fail to see it?

My perception on beauty has evolved over the years on purpose. And through my journey on developing a deeper and more meaningful connection with beauty, I’ve learned that beauty is a rarity that is only witnessed by those who endeavour to find it. The learned ‘beauty’ associated with TV ads that plague most social media platforms is a social construct, hence why it has to be constructed in a sense, but our innate sense of beauty merely involves understanding (ourselves) and building meaningful attachments.

Upon reaching this realisation I decided to share my expression of beauty through my partner. The following series titled, #HerBeautyNotHerLooks is spread across 20 images that I captured of her – each one specifying 1 thing I find beautiful about her without referring to her physical appearance. This was not a matter of listing words but instead forming a deeper connection with what I appreciate about her and what resonates within myself. There’s a caption that follows each picture:

Day 1

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A little personal campaign I’m doing for the next 20 days just because I want to.

 

Day 2

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We all experience undesirable emotions that can often mould our personalities in undesirable ways. Honestly, letting go isn’t as straightforward as it sounds but once you acquire this power, every struggle will see an end.

 

Day 3

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She was about to give me a mouthful without realising that she’s actually feeding my soul.

 

Day 4

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Reflection is imperative. In doing so you can identify your growth. That allows you to trace your growth back to it’s roots. You see the lady in the image, I constantly find her at the root of many areas of my life. That alone is more than beauty.

 

Day 5

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This time last year. This time next year. And her capacity to love has only strengthened, no, it has only become more visible. It has always been there. Such a force exists in us all.

 

Day 6

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They say that if you can’t accept someone at their worst, you don’t deserve them at their best. Relationships are one of the best places to exercise that theory.
If all emotion makes us who we are, it would be unfair to favour one over the others. Therefore, no matter what the emotion, all I see beauty…

 

Day 7

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Day 7 already!? I find solace in silence.

 

Day 8

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Day 8 and this journey of reflection only grows more beautiful. Your strength and resilience can only be measured in times of struggle. To watch someone manoeuvre so diligently through the challenges life orchestrates, can only be described as a spectacle! This viewing never finished on a low.

 

Day 9

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If you can’t accept what they’ve been through, you can never appreciate who they are.
Love runs deep. And what you see before you is only the front cover of the rest of your life.
Will you find yourself disengaging as the story thickens, or will your journey into their past help form a more deeper attachment? My experience of course is the latter.

 

Day 10

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I could do this for well over 20 days but you see, beauty is far from one measurement based on one’s appearance. A few years back I began to question whether who I was calling beautiful was actually…beautiful. I was basically conditioning myself to see more in beauty than appearance. It was a worthwhile endeavour because the things most beautiful about my mother isn’t simply the way she looks. That’s the same mindset the allows me to see the hidden beauty in my partner.

 

Day 11

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I mean…you know that myth – the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, right? That is no Myth at all! The cooking is a metaphor and a literally statement (is there a name when it’s both?) Her cooking delicious but what she feeds my soul is divine!

 

Day 12

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We all know relationships aren’t all hearts and smiles but seldom do people want to talk and share these facets of their relationships. Perhaps they suffer from a fear of being judged so they choose to be judged on what they deem acceptable, such as photos of happy times, anniversary poses and gifts from their significant other…
So of course, it’s impossible to see beauty in what we do not familiarise oursleves with. This has either been you, will be you or maybe this is you right now. It’s okay. The strength to express is an art many of us are yet to master. Vulnerability remains a blank canvas. Your art set untouched.
Not us. We use tears and anger to paint a path of progress, with each stroke strengthing our right to love.

 

Day 13

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Just a week left and today we’re celebrating. This goes out to her sense of achievement. What’s great about her success in today’s exam is that I’ve had backdoor access. I’ve observed the struggle, strength and strategy that led to this moment. While others might acknowledge the success as an isolated outcome, I observed the way in which she manoeuvred her way into this position. And that in itself is beauty. Well deserved babe.

 

Day 14

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We already know nothing is this world is perfect. Especially us! We live life knowing it could be the last day and yet we still manage to carry on living. TRUMP WON THE ELECTION! But guess what? We will carry on living. We’ll carry on growing and if necessary, we will heal. And it’s that last part that is crucial in each of us. Healing is a special type of growth whereby the same area is reinforced – made to be stronger. When you truly heal, you’ll become immune to what broke you in the first place. Stronger forces deem you worthy. And by that I mean, more strength awaits you.
She is so beautiful when I hear stories of how she healed.

 

Day 15

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My skin and hair haven’t every been in a better state. We often look upon natural beauty with envious eyes believing that how are some people more blessed than others in said department. But I’ve observed what happens behind closed doors. Adopting her lifestyle was a choice I won’t regret hence why the beauty I see is really in the what she’s shown me.

 

Day 16

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I think one of the most underrated qualities in a relationship is presence. Think of everything else you’d consider fundamental in a relationship and then try to see if it could exist healthily without presence …exactly.

 

Day 17

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There’s something deeply intimate about watching someone without them knowing. And then some captures a picture of the moment. That’s a look that reminds me that love is always present.

 

Day 18

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You can’t see it, but this girl has a quality I think most girlfriends possess – the ability to become annoying at any given moment. But I can’t lie, it’s the cute type – still annoying, but what’s more annoying is that you can’t knock them for it. They’re like cats, and we have to feed their desire of attention otherwise we become the bad guys 😂  all she wanted was a hug…or to grab my… WHO KNOWS 😄

 

Day 19

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I think the picture speaks for itself. My love helping my love get ready for her graduation.

 

Day 20

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When all your hard work for @subjectivityuk‘s 3rd Year Anniversary is going better than expected and she’s the support nobody sees… 😉

If you would like to view the journey on istagram, it’s #HerBeautyNotHerLooks.

Everyone has a beauty worth searching for. It’s not longer enough to simply say everyone is beautiful in a bid to impress yours upon others. If you can’t find the beauty in someone else, then it is you who’s relationship without beauty is failing.

 

Happiness Makes Time For Those Who Make Time For Themselves.

What we see on the outside often mirrors what we believe is dwelling inside. We understand a smile represents a happy person but seldom do we consider that the reserve might be true. An outward expression can also communicate what is missing within.
The soul cries out for attention while the ego fears vulnerability will be treated with further alienation. But at what cost is it worth appearing alive on the outside, albeit dying within?

A person that is happy with company but unhappy when alone, is not a happy person.

While it might be common to assume that loneliness and being alone fall from the same tree, loneliness is better categorised as one of the potential emotions that can derive from being alone. But that doesn’t necessarily suggest that being alone connotes an emotional imbalance, but rather the opposite.

When we are alone we are in the best position to measure and assess our overall wellbeing. Absent of life’s distractions, we’re forced to tune in to our inner world. There we are faced with our inner thoughts and inner feeling’s reverberatory need to be heard — not by others, but by you. If you’re not used to spending time with yourself, you might experience an unusual degree of dissonance when spending time alone with yourself. This can often lead to the need for external attention, which can momentarily offer solace. However, this should never be mistaken for a solution.

Some of us are in constant pursuit of relationships just to end the loneliness. But it’s our obsession with social media that is becoming the most virulent relationship of all.

Social media is the new escapism outlet.
People aren’t always sharing their problems to be understood. They are often sharing their problems to be heard. They believe that attention is a cure.

But these people are no stranger to the knowledge that numbing the pain doesn’t get rid of the problem. It only makes it more palpable.

Being alone is self-productive. 

Being able to exercise our vulnerability can help us avoid depressive states brought on by an accumulation of our worries.  But before we share our problems, we should equipped them with a self-purpose; to be understood and to obtain a better understanding of how we can overcome the feeling that follows us wherever we go.

It helps to review the last couple of weeks on a frequent basis:

  • What have I achieved during this time?
  • What have I found difficult in the past week?
  • How can I improve on this in the upcoming weeks?
  • Why was I feeling angry last Thursday?

We are but a growing story deep inside an even bigger novel, and the last thing you want to happen is to be left behind in your own story.

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This should serve as a reminder that true happiness comes from within and not in the form of short lived feelings that dissipate once the experience is over. Be the type of person that doesn’t seek happiness but instead acquires the ability to become happiness at will.

A must read if you have more pressing concerns around depression:  HAPPINESS: DEFENDING AGAINST THE ONSET OF DEPRESSION

What’s Missing Is You

Journey down the stairwell of your past, take a left at ‘My Ideal Partner’ and then keep to the right until you reach the crossroads between your values and insecurities. If you make a daunting right and head straight on ‘Things I Refuse To Deal With Lane’, you’ll eventually arrive at your most visited destination, Egoville. If you can muster enough resolved to venture beyond that, then you’ll rediscover the forgotten but indispensable manuscript titled ‘My Ideal Self’.

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A frequent visit from the same feelings should be recognized as an internal tip off, albeit the sensation is often interpreted as ‘something missing’. This subtle misconception sparks our quest for completion via materialistic and romantic gain. The premise for false perception has been set, because beneath our experience-derived behaviours, we are not searching for completion. We are searching for fulfilment.

Psychoanalyse Adam Phillips writes:

“All love stories are frustration stories… To fall in love is to be reminded of a frustration that you didn’t know you had.”

Growth equally distributes the paradoxical outcome of having learnt more about oneself while exposing us to the undiscovered treasures of our personality. We are plagued by a pathological imbalance whereby we have become too familiar with acquiring knowledge from a surface position that understands only love and hate, but doesn’t dare to question the intricacies of interest and discomfort. Everything we currently know about ourselves is no different to our field of vision — we can only see what we are focused on. And it is this cynical driven focus that drives out the necessary duality that gives birth to beyond biological growth.

If the feeling that surrounds the constants of “something is missing” is attributed to an external notion, then I pose this question to you: Are you not enough?

Phillip writes:

“We fall in love not just with a person wholly external to us but with a fantasy of how that person can fill what is missing from our interior lives.”

What we crave more than physical and aesthetical satisfaction is internal fulfilment — the nuances of “I want something deeper…something more meaningful”.
We address our romantic encounters with a fantasy like template, measuring their capacity to do what the last experience failed in. But often do we become lost in the fantasy that results in failure that can no longer be attributed to anyone but ourselves.

Some people pursue relationships to end being alone. But it is almost impossible to understand self if you do not possess the patience to spend time with yourself. So while their definition of happiness is momentarily in the hands of other person, I would argue that perhaps they’re trying to escape themselves, when they’re the missing piece their life longs for.

 

 

Filtering The Natural Back Into Beauty

“Filtering The Natural Back Into Beauty” is a project that aims to speaks substance to every man and woman that has been conditioned to believe beauty only exists through the use of makeup.
The project aims to inspire all hidden beauty to surface from the shadows of makeup.
Makeup has its purpose as an enhancer of natural beauty, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but the first step to destroying beauty is by hiding it.

A Kiss Laced With Purpose

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On purpose and with purpose, not each to his own.
A man knows why he places his lips upon a woman’s own.
And although his intentions may be unknown to her,
A kiss is evidence that his intentions are far from a blur.

Charles Rare
Therapist & Writer
Instagram & Twitter: Rare_Thoughts
Email: charles.rarethoughts@gmail.com

A Depreciating Love

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We’re so quick to say we love money, cars, clothes and food but hesitation finds our tongue when it comes to saying we love another person. We’re more likely to say we love a picture of someone but loving that SOMEONE doesn’t seem to be within our capability.

Have we fallen so far down that we are only capable of loving momentarily? With that being said, is it a surprise that we place our love in all things temporary in nature?

Loving someone is easy when you’ve learned to love who you are without all you have. Because to practice a self-love without conditions bound to materialism allows you to view others in the same light you view yourself in.

Love increases in value over time, not loses it. So if your love is depreciating, then the question remains, “what are you loving?”

Charles Rare

The Strong & The Weak: Foundations of Relationships

We live in a world of “ideals”. Some women ideally want a man with a well paid job but doesn’t work too much, has street cred’ but isn’t a thug, and is capable of providing her with undivided attention without smothering her…hmm. On the other had, some men ideally want a woman who makes her own money but just not more than what he makes, a lady that cooks, cleans and can attend to the kids while still managing to look like a victoria secrets model, and a woman who is a freak in the bedroom but virtually still a virgin.
Yes. Our ideals are conflicting so there isn’t much of a surprise why there is so much conflicting expectations in relationships today.

Settling down with someone whom you might have a few things in common with such as being tattoo enthusiasts or you’ve both managed to dedicate your time in rounding up 21k+ followers on instagram isn’t enough to sustain a long, healthy and strong relationship.

The big difference between an having an “Idea” of what you want and an having an “Ideal” expectation is that an “ideal” is a standard that only accommodates perfection. So when someone speaks of having an ideal relationship, they could literally paint out a picture of this relationship, and the key part here is that the relationship they are looking for HAS to look exactly like the picture in their mind. An “Idea” on the other hand is a concept. A vague thought or better yet an understanding. When a person has an idea of what they want in a relationship, they are somewhat open to new experiences or a new way of thinking so long as it runs parallel with the values they stand by.

I mentioned above that unlike an “ideal”, an “idea” is an understanding which derives from what someone NEEDS in/from a relationship as oppose to an “ideal” which is usually based on what someone WANTS in/from a relationship.

So the reason it’s more beneficial to have an idea of what want or in other words, an idea of what you believe a relationship should consist of is because it inspires you to focus on what you need in/from a relationship rather than what you want. Ultimately, what you need eventually becomes what you want whereas what you want isn’t always going to become what you need.

 The type of love you seek can also be determined by the type of love you have previously received.

In the unfortunate event that the love one seeks cannot be found, people then turn to substitutes. I have found that women tend to place an expiry date on themselves for procreative reasons and because of this; they’re likely to settle before a certain age because they have not found the love they were looking for. Another example of substituting can be family pressure. Individuals are less likely to part with a person because they have become acquainted the family but this shouldn’t be used as a reason to stay with someone if they are not what you need in love.

So how does all relate to the foundations of relationships?

Once you understand what you need in a relationship, you begin to think of how to get it. And a fundamental aspect of getting what need is becoming what you need. So in short, the key to attaining what you need in/from a relationship is by understanding yourself.

The strength of a foundation is determined by what is built upon it. Having things in common are the foundations for friendships but having values in common are the foundations for relationships. Friendship itself can act as a foundation but if you attempt to build a relationship upon having things in common (you know, too much too soon), you might find that the relationship collapses pretty fast. The pain you feel after such a break up doesn’t stem from love but rather your poor skills as an architect for relationships.

Love is only dying because people fail to fill themselves with love, and instead look for substitutes in the wrong places and people. The more values you have in common increases the chances of a sustaining a strong relationships. Values stand as two people who choose to take the same path at crossroads during their relationship. They are the decision to deal with conflicts that occur in a similar manner. If respect is important to a couple, then even in the most heated moments of their journey together, they’ll still hold each other in high respect and communicate respectfully. On the other hand, we all know what happens when you call your lady a “b***h” out of anger…

With this in mind, get to know your interest with haste but progress with patience. Values aren’t something someone can simply tell you they have. It’s something you need to see them living out with consistency.

The Fault In Our Unconditional Love

You see, I’m a believer in a leopard changing it’s spots. In fact, to put the correctly, I’m a believer in reading that the spots that some people wear are momentary existences within an even bigger existence I refer to as their life. If you don’t believe in growth, change and looking upon people with present and not past eyes, then I pity you. I pity you because I now see how you look at yourself. And what a lonely world it must be to be a slave to your own past.

Everyone has an old wardrobe. Clothes that tell stories of where they have been, what they have done and even what they used to like. Some of us are embarrassed of our old wardrobe. We look at the clothes that still linger like… “daaamn” I can’t believe I used to wear clothes like that. But we laugh it off. Why? Because we live for the clothes we wear today.

Change the way you view yourself and you’ll change the way you view others. Change the way you view others and you’ll change the way you view yourself. But always begin with the former. That’s where the true challenge and change lies. And then maybe, just maybe, you’ll catch a slight glimmer of what it would be like to truly love unconditionally. 

Whisper Love Away

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First we’ll become friends. I’ll end up caring for you first because your past has misled you into loving with your mind and not your heart. In light of this, you’ll hide behind tall walls built to protect what remains of a fragile love, but your heart will become curious and ask your mind why it feels so at ease around me.

Your mind is led by logic, so it will give the heart a logical answer. It’ll separate what the heart feels from what it thinks, and side the team that loves with its eyes wide open. It’ll sacrifice an open heart for opened eyes, and I’ll remain a friend because your mind chose protection over affection.

Your decision was made.

I’ll become one of many guys that loved you temporarily and then found a more permanent love outside of what we could have had, while your heart remains permanently closed, blind to the love that continues to visit you temporarily.

So before I care for you, before this journey begins only to end, I ask that you care enough for yourself first. So that when loves shows it face again, and I’m no longer around to capture the love you whisper away, your heart will be remain open and resonant to what the eyes cannot see.