Tag Archives: relationships

Help Me Find My Tears Before They Find Me

We’re surrounded by the mirrors of our past.

A few months ago I gazed diligently at the mirror that resembled a time before (hyper) masculinity. As I reluctantly brought my car to a stop allowing an illuminated train of school children to cross, I replaced my feeling of frustration with a mindful gaze. Within seconds I noticed 2 young boys holding hands, engrossed in conversation as they crossed. My brain twitched. It was as if a lost memory had returned to me, and in that precise moment I thought to myself,

“I remember holding my male friend’s hand like that.”

As I continued to be enthralled by their innocence it dawned on me – I was missing pieces of my emotions.

I am a 28 year old man and besides the traditional African beatings I experienced whilst growing up, I can count the number of times I have cried in my life which come down to the following life experiences:

  • When I left primary school
  • When I lost my first close friend to Leukaemia
  • When I opened up to my partner about my masturbation issues
  • In my dreams

Now in light of the above, there have been so many situations where I’ve wanted to EXPRESS what I was FEELING, but it was no easy task or better yet, it felt impossible to do so. The image below is the best way I can describe what it felt like:

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Translation: Your expression can’t start because OpennessVulnerbility.dll is missing from your emotion. Try relearning these emotions to fix this problem. 

I hope that example suffices because if not, you’ve probably had your emotional motherboard wiped clean!

I’m a Wellbeing Management Consultant. I work with many people to find their own missing pieces. If there’s something I’ve realised about my journey is that I’m not emotionally unstable but rather emotionally trapped!

Mothers raise boys into gentlemen but society emasculates the gentleman into a man thus, weakening his ability to form healthy and lasting attachments, but strengthening his desire for money, lust and the pursuit of all things in quantity.

Despite the overtly hyper-masculine appearance, no man is exempt from the feeling of loss. Whether that be the loss of a friend, family member or the loss of a well-kept secret.

Why must our tears find us before we find them?

Crying is like art – an epitome of expression. We cry during times of happiness as well as sadness. I believe one of the biggest lies men tell themselves is that they are not emotional while at the same time negatively impressing what they lack upon their female-counterpart.

“You’re too emotional”

When you wait for your tears to find you, it often happens when no one is around to support you or help you understand what you haven’t experienced for so long. Need I remind you of the suicide rate of males (UK)?

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The problem isn’t that we are struggling. The problem is that we haven’t been taught to express in a open and healthy way – we’re emotionally trapped.

I vaguely remember a time before my teens whereby I was experiencing an scathing internal pain (which I believe was more emotional than anything) which prevented me from sleeping or thinking straight. I recall desiring to feel something other than this pain, even if it meant taking a kitchen knife from downstairs and attempting to press it against different parts of my arm. Now I didn’t self-harm but my point is, I wanted to escape the pain or better yet, dis-ease, by any means necessary.

Go deeper…

Okay, so I recently expressed to my partner that I’ve had multiple dreams where I find myself crying. At times, I am consciously awake when I realise I’m making noises and immediately open my eyes to put an end to it. It’s weird but lately I’ve interpreted it as a desire to express what lies deep within me. My battles. My Secrets. My other half of ‘entirety’.

I’m blessed to be with such a strong-willed and supportive partner to whom I expressed my first secret with – Masturbation – but that’s an entirely different article.

A numb man will never understand an emotional woman. In turn, you’ll never understand the pain you inflict upon her.

This is a journey about reclaiming my emotional self in it’s entirety. I want to find my tears before they find me.

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Do You Keep Falling For Their Potential?

The problem isn’t that we’ve all been there. The problem is that some of us are still there and have no idea how to break the cycle.

Is there more to falling for someone’s potential?
Is there a way to identify the type of potential that meets us halfway?
How do we measure true potential?
When do I call it quits?
Well I hope I answer these questions and more in the video above.

If you like what you’ve watched and would like to see more, SUBSCRIBE, SHARE, LIKE and let me know what you would like me to talk on!

Her Beauty Not Her Looks

From the transitory stages of physical appearance to abstract modern art, beauty has become one of the most versatile nouns bestowed upon the human tongue. All become acquiescent in it’s presence, and that in itself is why the word takes precedence over all the dictionary has to offer.

It’s as though beauty exists an entity that illuminates the life force that resides in all things. But what happens when the beauty that exist within does not appear on the surface? Is it right brand someone ‘without beauty’ simply because we fail to see it?

My perception on beauty has evolved over the years on purpose. And through my journey on developing a deeper and more meaningful connection with beauty, I’ve learned that beauty is a rarity that is only witnessed by those who endeavour to find it. The learned ‘beauty’ associated with TV ads that plague most social media platforms is a social construct, hence why it has to be constructed in a sense, but our innate sense of beauty merely involves understanding (ourselves) and building meaningful attachments.

Upon reaching this realisation I decided to share my expression of beauty through my partner. The following series titled, #HerBeautyNotHerLooks is spread across 20 images that I captured of her – each one specifying 1 thing I find beautiful about her without referring to her physical appearance. This was not a matter of listing words but instead forming a deeper connection with what I appreciate about her and what resonates within myself. There’s a caption that follows each picture:

Day 1

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A little personal campaign I’m doing for the next 20 days just because I want to.

 

Day 2

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We all experience undesirable emotions that can often mould our personalities in undesirable ways. Honestly, letting go isn’t as straightforward as it sounds but once you acquire this power, every struggle will see an end.

 

Day 3

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She was about to give me a mouthful without realising that she’s actually feeding my soul.

 

Day 4

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Reflection is imperative. In doing so you can identify your growth. That allows you to trace your growth back to it’s roots. You see the lady in the image, I constantly find her at the root of many areas of my life. That alone is more than beauty.

 

Day 5

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This time last year. This time next year. And her capacity to love has only strengthened, no, it has only become more visible. It has always been there. Such a force exists in us all.

 

Day 6

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They say that if you can’t accept someone at their worst, you don’t deserve them at their best. Relationships are one of the best places to exercise that theory.
If all emotion makes us who we are, it would be unfair to favour one over the others. Therefore, no matter what the emotion, all I see beauty…

 

Day 7

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Day 7 already!? I find solace in silence.

 

Day 8

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Day 8 and this journey of reflection only grows more beautiful. Your strength and resilience can only be measured in times of struggle. To watch someone manoeuvre so diligently through the challenges life orchestrates, can only be described as a spectacle! This viewing never finished on a low.

 

Day 9

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If you can’t accept what they’ve been through, you can never appreciate who they are.
Love runs deep. And what you see before you is only the front cover of the rest of your life.
Will you find yourself disengaging as the story thickens, or will your journey into their past help form a more deeper attachment? My experience of course is the latter.

 

Day 10

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I could do this for well over 20 days but you see, beauty is far from one measurement based on one’s appearance. A few years back I began to question whether who I was calling beautiful was actually…beautiful. I was basically conditioning myself to see more in beauty than appearance. It was a worthwhile endeavour because the things most beautiful about my mother isn’t simply the way she looks. That’s the same mindset the allows me to see the hidden beauty in my partner.

 

Day 11

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I mean…you know that myth – the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, right? That is no Myth at all! The cooking is a metaphor and a literally statement (is there a name when it’s both?) Her cooking delicious but what she feeds my soul is divine!

 

Day 12

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We all know relationships aren’t all hearts and smiles but seldom do people want to talk and share these facets of their relationships. Perhaps they suffer from a fear of being judged so they choose to be judged on what they deem acceptable, such as photos of happy times, anniversary poses and gifts from their significant other…
So of course, it’s impossible to see beauty in what we do not familiarise oursleves with. This has either been you, will be you or maybe this is you right now. It’s okay. The strength to express is an art many of us are yet to master. Vulnerability remains a blank canvas. Your art set untouched.
Not us. We use tears and anger to paint a path of progress, with each stroke strengthing our right to love.

 

Day 13

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Just a week left and today we’re celebrating. This goes out to her sense of achievement. What’s great about her success in today’s exam is that I’ve had backdoor access. I’ve observed the struggle, strength and strategy that led to this moment. While others might acknowledge the success as an isolated outcome, I observed the way in which she manoeuvred her way into this position. And that in itself is beauty. Well deserved babe.

 

Day 14

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We already know nothing is this world is perfect. Especially us! We live life knowing it could be the last day and yet we still manage to carry on living. TRUMP WON THE ELECTION! But guess what? We will carry on living. We’ll carry on growing and if necessary, we will heal. And it’s that last part that is crucial in each of us. Healing is a special type of growth whereby the same area is reinforced – made to be stronger. When you truly heal, you’ll become immune to what broke you in the first place. Stronger forces deem you worthy. And by that I mean, more strength awaits you.
She is so beautiful when I hear stories of how she healed.

 

Day 15

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My skin and hair haven’t every been in a better state. We often look upon natural beauty with envious eyes believing that how are some people more blessed than others in said department. But I’ve observed what happens behind closed doors. Adopting her lifestyle was a choice I won’t regret hence why the beauty I see is really in the what she’s shown me.

 

Day 16

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I think one of the most underrated qualities in a relationship is presence. Think of everything else you’d consider fundamental in a relationship and then try to see if it could exist healthily without presence …exactly.

 

Day 17

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There’s something deeply intimate about watching someone without them knowing. And then some captures a picture of the moment. That’s a look that reminds me that love is always present.

 

Day 18

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You can’t see it, but this girl has a quality I think most girlfriends possess – the ability to become annoying at any given moment. But I can’t lie, it’s the cute type – still annoying, but what’s more annoying is that you can’t knock them for it. They’re like cats, and we have to feed their desire of attention otherwise we become the bad guys 😂  all she wanted was a hug…or to grab my… WHO KNOWS 😄

 

Day 19

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I think the picture speaks for itself. My love helping my love get ready for her graduation.

 

Day 20

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When all your hard work for @subjectivityuk‘s 3rd Year Anniversary is going better than expected and she’s the support nobody sees… 😉

If you would like to view the journey on istagram, it’s #HerBeautyNotHerLooks.

Everyone has a beauty worth searching for. It’s not longer enough to simply say everyone is beautiful in a bid to impress yours upon others. If you can’t find the beauty in someone else, then it is you who’s relationship without beauty is failing.

 

His & Hers: The Orgasm Rant

  • Today’s attitude toward gender equality in contrast to the 19th & 20th century shows promise for what’s to come.
  • Many men still believe in gender allocations, and there are women that believe it’s a man’s job to make her orgasm.
  • He embraced her waist from the rear and positioned her in close proximity to his libidinous intentions.
  • An orgasm isn’t just a physical experience. And at times, we have to be in the condition to receive it.

Last week The Huffington post published this article: Anna Kendrick Had The Best Orgasm Response To A Guy Giving Her An Orgasm.

The entire article can be summarised with the 3rd paragraph of the article that reads:

After a few months with a boyfriend, the “Pitch Perfect” actress writes that she still hadn’t had an orgasm with him. Her response when he finally got her there? A big high-five.

To which I commented:

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While it would be an enlightening endeavour to explore the intricacies of orgasms (another post perhaps), I’d much rather place volume on the reverberating whisper anchoring the rise of true gender equality.

Let’s reinforce the above point with some real life contextual scenarios.

A couple decide to move in together. They are both happy at the fact that their relationship is evolving to higher commitment value despite the risks involved. On their first day at work since the move, the girlfriend comes home to her boyfriend’s welcoming embrace and expressive desire for her to cook dinner, while playfully implying that it’s her role in their relationship.

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Susan just announced to her boyfriend Ade that they’re going to be parents. Ade, who was advised by doctors 5 years ago that due to a medical condition, his chances of impregnating a woman was less than 10%. Overwhelmed with the news the couple make early plans that are of interest to their newly beloved. Susan states that she’ll be taking maternity leave and expects Ade to take on extra hours at work. He expresses his desire to take maternity as well, to which Susan laughs, “but you’re the provider”

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It’s clear that although there is still a way to go, today’s attitude toward gender equality in contrast to the 19th & 20th century shows promise for what’s to come. But that’s not what frightens the foundation of equality; that would be the outdated patriarchal values that are inherited by the upcoming generation.

Blindboy from The Rubberbandits aired a refreshing statement to reflect the state of young men in the western hemisphere:

What these young men need is feminism!

I have worked and spoken to many men on this topic, and I can agree that while many of them direct their efforts to uphold inherited values that view women as inferior, such values only give rise to their own demise. The reason? The environment no longer correlates with their values.

The past environment saw women as ‘naturally’ weaker than men, and considered them unable to perform work requiring muscular or intellectual develop. The acceptance of this mentality saw women delegated to domestic chores while men maintained the ‘Provider’ status. But that is no longer the case in modern society. In the land of opportunity, it’s everyones job to do anything they want.

Albeit the case, many men still believe in gender allocations. And there are women that believe it’s a man’s job to make her orgasm.

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No one man or woman should be accountable for another person’s satisfaction – that goes for both inside and outside the bedroom. If you’re going to be an individual that supports equality then you’re going to have to learn to support your own orgasm in the same way you support your own happiness. Sounds harsh, right? Like I’m banishing women into the shadow realm of self made orgasms.

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But that’s far from the case. In The Huffington Post article, the writer wrote:

…Kendrick was right to give props; communication is key to good sex.

I must be getting old if a high five constitutes good communication in a sexual relationship. It was no surprise that her partner didn’t take the ‘compliment’ well.

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Communication in the bedroom is important. Besides the ‘dirty’ talk some of you might be thinking about, I’m referring to your ability to get to one your partner’s sexual personality which usually differs from their social personality.

Without getting into details, a good example would be to…scene:

He embraced her waist from the rear and positioned her in close proximity to his libidinous intentions. Her gaze locked while she slowly circled her rear to ensure that her intention matched the intensity he was displaying. She pressed herself firmly against him and laid the soft side of her face on his chest, and in the same motion she took hold of his left hand, prompting it to grope her exposed breast. She followed up with the words, “does this excite you?”

Now in my version of events, she’s not asking because she thinks she’s God’s gift to men. She’s asking to confirm whether he is actually enjoying it. Men who wear jeans or tailored trousers with a belt will tell you that as mentally stimulating as it may sound, it can also be pretty uncomfortable! The practice of testing the waters and communicating during these encounters can make a massive impact on the relationship. If I had the time, I would elaborate on how a women’s silence during sex can also be an emotional discomfort that is easily recognised with better communication on the man’s part (another article).

An orgasm isn’t just a physical experience. And at times, we have to be in a healthy condition to receive it – emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually if that’s your thing. While our partner’s can play a big role in ensuring the experience is a pleasurable and fulfilling one, we should always remember that we will always play the starring role when it comes to our own satisfaction!

All socials: @Rare_ Thoughts – Follow me if you like what you’ve read

Happiness Makes Time For Those Who Make Time For Themselves.

What we see on the outside often mirrors what we believe is dwelling inside. We understand a smile represents a happy person but seldom do we consider that the reserve might be true. An outward expression can also communicate what is missing within.
The soul cries out for attention while the ego fears vulnerability will be treated with further alienation. But at what cost is it worth appearing alive on the outside, albeit dying within?

A person that is happy with company but unhappy when alone, is not a happy person.

While it might be common to assume that loneliness and being alone fall from the same tree, loneliness is better categorised as one of the potential emotions that can derive from being alone. But that doesn’t necessarily suggest that being alone connotes an emotional imbalance, but rather the opposite.

When we are alone we are in the best position to measure and assess our overall wellbeing. Absent of life’s distractions, we’re forced to tune in to our inner world. There we are faced with our inner thoughts and inner feeling’s reverberatory need to be heard — not by others, but by you. If you’re not used to spending time with yourself, you might experience an unusual degree of dissonance when spending time alone with yourself. This can often lead to the need for external attention, which can momentarily offer solace. However, this should never be mistaken for a solution.

Some of us are in constant pursuit of relationships just to end the loneliness. But it’s our obsession with social media that is becoming the most virulent relationship of all.

Social media is the new escapism outlet.
People aren’t always sharing their problems to be understood. They are often sharing their problems to be heard. They believe that attention is a cure.

But these people are no stranger to the knowledge that numbing the pain doesn’t get rid of the problem. It only makes it more palpable.

Being alone is self-productive. 

Being able to exercise our vulnerability can help us avoid depressive states brought on by an accumulation of our worries.  But before we share our problems, we should equipped them with a self-purpose; to be understood and to obtain a better understanding of how we can overcome the feeling that follows us wherever we go.

It helps to review the last couple of weeks on a frequent basis:

  • What have I achieved during this time?
  • What have I found difficult in the past week?
  • How can I improve on this in the upcoming weeks?
  • Why was I feeling angry last Thursday?

We are but a growing story deep inside an even bigger novel, and the last thing you want to happen is to be left behind in your own story.

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This should serve as a reminder that true happiness comes from within and not in the form of short lived feelings that dissipate once the experience is over. Be the type of person that doesn’t seek happiness but instead acquires the ability to become happiness at will.

A must read if you have more pressing concerns around depression:  HAPPINESS: DEFENDING AGAINST THE ONSET OF DEPRESSION

What’s Missing Is You

Journey down the stairwell of your past, take a left at ‘My Ideal Partner’ and then keep to the right until you reach the crossroads between your values and insecurities. If you make a daunting right and head straight on ‘Things I Refuse To Deal With Lane’, you’ll eventually arrive at your most visited destination, Egoville. If you can muster enough resolved to venture beyond that, then you’ll rediscover the forgotten but indispensable manuscript titled ‘My Ideal Self’.

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A frequent visit from the same feelings should be recognized as an internal tip off, albeit the sensation is often interpreted as ‘something missing’. This subtle misconception sparks our quest for completion via materialistic and romantic gain. The premise for false perception has been set, because beneath our experience-derived behaviours, we are not searching for completion. We are searching for fulfilment.

Psychoanalyse Adam Phillips writes:

“All love stories are frustration stories… To fall in love is to be reminded of a frustration that you didn’t know you had.”

Growth equally distributes the paradoxical outcome of having learnt more about oneself while exposing us to the undiscovered treasures of our personality. We are plagued by a pathological imbalance whereby we have become too familiar with acquiring knowledge from a surface position that understands only love and hate, but doesn’t dare to question the intricacies of interest and discomfort. Everything we currently know about ourselves is no different to our field of vision — we can only see what we are focused on. And it is this cynical driven focus that drives out the necessary duality that gives birth to beyond biological growth.

If the feeling that surrounds the constants of “something is missing” is attributed to an external notion, then I pose this question to you: Are you not enough?

Phillip writes:

“We fall in love not just with a person wholly external to us but with a fantasy of how that person can fill what is missing from our interior lives.”

What we crave more than physical and aesthetical satisfaction is internal fulfilment — the nuances of “I want something deeper…something more meaningful”.
We address our romantic encounters with a fantasy like template, measuring their capacity to do what the last experience failed in. But often do we become lost in the fantasy that results in failure that can no longer be attributed to anyone but ourselves.

Some people pursue relationships to end being alone. But it is almost impossible to understand self if you do not possess the patience to spend time with yourself. So while their definition of happiness is momentarily in the hands of other person, I would argue that perhaps they’re trying to escape themselves, when they’re the missing piece their life longs for.

 

 

The Strong & The Weak: Foundations of Relationships

We live in a world of “ideals”. Some women ideally want a man with a well paid job but doesn’t work too much, has street cred’ but isn’t a thug, and is capable of providing her with undivided attention without smothering her…hmm. On the other had, some men ideally want a woman who makes her own money but just not more than what he makes, a lady that cooks, cleans and can attend to the kids while still managing to look like a victoria secrets model, and a woman who is a freak in the bedroom but virtually still a virgin.
Yes. Our ideals are conflicting so there isn’t much of a surprise why there is so much conflicting expectations in relationships today.

Settling down with someone whom you might have a few things in common with such as being tattoo enthusiasts or you’ve both managed to dedicate your time in rounding up 21k+ followers on instagram isn’t enough to sustain a long, healthy and strong relationship.

The big difference between an having an “Idea” of what you want and an having an “Ideal” expectation is that an “ideal” is a standard that only accommodates perfection. So when someone speaks of having an ideal relationship, they could literally paint out a picture of this relationship, and the key part here is that the relationship they are looking for HAS to look exactly like the picture in their mind. An “Idea” on the other hand is a concept. A vague thought or better yet an understanding. When a person has an idea of what they want in a relationship, they are somewhat open to new experiences or a new way of thinking so long as it runs parallel with the values they stand by.

I mentioned above that unlike an “ideal”, an “idea” is an understanding which derives from what someone NEEDS in/from a relationship as oppose to an “ideal” which is usually based on what someone WANTS in/from a relationship.

So the reason it’s more beneficial to have an idea of what want or in other words, an idea of what you believe a relationship should consist of is because it inspires you to focus on what you need in/from a relationship rather than what you want. Ultimately, what you need eventually becomes what you want whereas what you want isn’t always going to become what you need.

 The type of love you seek can also be determined by the type of love you have previously received.

In the unfortunate event that the love one seeks cannot be found, people then turn to substitutes. I have found that women tend to place an expiry date on themselves for procreative reasons and because of this; they’re likely to settle before a certain age because they have not found the love they were looking for. Another example of substituting can be family pressure. Individuals are less likely to part with a person because they have become acquainted the family but this shouldn’t be used as a reason to stay with someone if they are not what you need in love.

So how does all relate to the foundations of relationships?

Once you understand what you need in a relationship, you begin to think of how to get it. And a fundamental aspect of getting what need is becoming what you need. So in short, the key to attaining what you need in/from a relationship is by understanding yourself.

The strength of a foundation is determined by what is built upon it. Having things in common are the foundations for friendships but having values in common are the foundations for relationships. Friendship itself can act as a foundation but if you attempt to build a relationship upon having things in common (you know, too much too soon), you might find that the relationship collapses pretty fast. The pain you feel after such a break up doesn’t stem from love but rather your poor skills as an architect for relationships.

Love is only dying because people fail to fill themselves with love, and instead look for substitutes in the wrong places and people. The more values you have in common increases the chances of a sustaining a strong relationships. Values stand as two people who choose to take the same path at crossroads during their relationship. They are the decision to deal with conflicts that occur in a similar manner. If respect is important to a couple, then even in the most heated moments of their journey together, they’ll still hold each other in high respect and communicate respectfully. On the other hand, we all know what happens when you call your lady a “b***h” out of anger…

With this in mind, get to know your interest with haste but progress with patience. Values aren’t something someone can simply tell you they have. It’s something you need to see them living out with consistency.

The Fault In Our Unconditional Love

You see, I’m a believer in a leopard changing it’s spots. In fact, to put the correctly, I’m a believer in reading that the spots that some people wear are momentary existences within an even bigger existence I refer to as their life. If you don’t believe in growth, change and looking upon people with present and not past eyes, then I pity you. I pity you because I now see how you look at yourself. And what a lonely world it must be to be a slave to your own past.

Everyone has an old wardrobe. Clothes that tell stories of where they have been, what they have done and even what they used to like. Some of us are embarrassed of our old wardrobe. We look at the clothes that still linger like… “daaamn” I can’t believe I used to wear clothes like that. But we laugh it off. Why? Because we live for the clothes we wear today.

Change the way you view yourself and you’ll change the way you view others. Change the way you view others and you’ll change the way you view yourself. But always begin with the former. That’s where the true challenge and change lies. And then maybe, just maybe, you’ll catch a slight glimmer of what it would be like to truly love unconditionally. 

Agree To Understand

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Agree to disagree? 
Sure! 
But next time, 
Let’s agree to understand! 

We don’t have to agree with someone to understand them. In fact, whether we agree or not, it doesn’t really matter when you think about it. Understanding is a process. It can happen over a period of minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months!
Take a look at it from this angle. Continue reading Agree To Understand